An Unintentionally Comic Opera in 2 Acts
Presented with apologies to tbogg, W.O'C., The Poorman, Sadly, No!, all the other blogs I stole material from for this, Gilbert and Sullivan, and just about everyone else on the planet. You have been warned.
Act 1 - Characters: Cap'n Jonah and the Kornhole Krew Khorus, a.k.a. the KKK.
Scene - Headquarters of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders
In the wake of the terrorist bombings in London, Jonah and company have decided to sail to the British Isles as a gesture of support. He and his Krew book passage on board H.M.S. Pantload.
As the scene opens, we find Jonah bemoaning the lack of respect shown to those who choose to do their fighting with keyboards instead of swords, pistols and the like.
Jonah: I am the Captain of the Keyboard Corps; KKK: And a fine spin artist, too! Jonah: I'm very, very good,
At playing with my wood,
While I type a lie or two,
KKK: He's very, very good,
At playing with his wood,
While he types a lie or two.
Jonah: But I'm starting to get pissed,
When people tell me to enlist,
Why do they always pick on me?
I cannot drive a lorry,
And my ass is really sorry,
But I never fill my pants with pee!
KKK: What, never? Jonah: No, never! KKK: What, never? Jonah: Well, hardly ever! KKK: He hardly ever fills his pants with pee!
So - give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the hardy Captain of the Keyboard Corps!
Give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For - the Captain of the Keyboard Corps!
Act 2 - Characters: Cap'n Jonah and the KKK.
Scene - Deck of the H.M.S. Pantload
Jonah bores the Krew with his life story. Again. Derbyshire and Podhoertz jump overboard rather than have to sit through it again.
Jonah: When I was a lad, I learned to spin,
By watching Mama take Lewinsky in.
I learned my lesson and I learned it well,
Then Buckley showed me how to make the bullshit sell!
KKK: Bill Buckley showed him how to make the bullshit sell! Jonah: I phrased my propaganda so care-full-lee,
That now I am a toady for the R-N-C!
KKK: He phrased his propaganda so care-full-lee,
That now he is a toady for the R-N-C!
At this point, the Pantload (the ship, not Jonah) is struck by an iceberg and goes down with all hands. Derb and Pod are the only survivors, until they're eaten by sharks a few hours later. Nothing like a happy ending, eh?